Genesis 18-34

And so it begins...

In Genesis 18, God confirms that he will allow Sarah to give birth to a son. But she doesn't believe him, because she is old and menopausal. And because of this, she is no longer considered a woman. Seriously.
"...It ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women (Genesis 18:11)."

The fear of God is confirmed later in the chapter. Also, God is mean, but Abraham convinces him not to kill someone for no apparent reason. Then there is old people sex. Yay.

In Genesis 19, God's angels go to Sodom to see Lot, Abraham's nephew, to determine whether or not the city is wicked. Lot convinces the men of the city to be nice to the angels, and even offers his daughters as a bargaining chip. What a nice guy. Much like Noah's family earlier in Genesis, Lot's family is considered to be the only uncorrupted in the city. And we still don't know why.

Later, God decides to destroy the city anyway, in true God-like fire-and-brimstone manner. Luckily, Lot and his family had the chance to escape, but Lot's wife is stupid and didn't listen to God when He said, 'Don't look back,' because she did, and was turned into a "pillar of salt." WHAT. Lot and his daughters made it safely to a cave in which they could stay, and then the best part happens:

Since their mother died, er, turned into salt, there is no one to bear Lot's children so his daughters do it themselves after they get him drunk enough. Holy fucking hell.

In Genesis 20, Abraham and Sarah are on the move again, and Abraham ends up lying about Sarah being his sister again, and God ends up punishing some innocent man again because Abraham lied again. Repetition, much? Only this time, God made all the women of the guy's house barren. Because gene extinction is the way to go. Doesn't that rightfully justify any type of genocide? Thanks, Judeo-Christianity, you rock!

In Genesis 21, a part of the Bible makes sense! It says, and I quote, "...Children suck..." And I couldn't agree more! More sense: Abraham's bastard son Ishmael gets an inheritance! Then God bribes Abraham again, and it goes back downhill. The number seven appears again, right after I stumbled upon the word wot. And I was like, "Wot?" Apparently, wot is the archaic verb for know. So there you go.

A large helping of douchebaggery occurs in Genesis 22. But first, Abraham saddles his ass, which made me LOL. But then, God (being what he is) tries to trick Abraham into offering his only son as a sacrifice on some alter that he was forced to build. Mind you, Abraham had to pay God to allow Sarah to finally become pregnant. What a waste of humanity and livestock.

Luckily, and angel came down and pretty much told Abraham, 'Oh yeah, God, he's just kidding! LOL, I can't believe you actually almost killed your son. LOL.' Then we're introduced to some kid named Buz. And Abraham has a concubine. Sweet.

In Genesis 23, the word sepulchre is mentioned quite a bit. And I'm ashamed of myself for this, because I should know what it means, but I don't. A sepulchre is a tomb, grave, or burial place. So there you go. The reason for the mentioning of a sepulchre: Sarah dies at 127 years old.

Abraham must find a burial site for his wife, so he buys some land from some Ephron dude, which includes a field and a cave (we are told this about ten times in a twenty verse chapter) for 400 silver shekels, whatever a shekel is. According to research, shekels were the base monetary unit in Israel until 1980. So there you go.

In Genesis 24, Abraham is hellbent on finding his son, Isaac, a wife. So he sends a servant out to Abraham's homeland, which is not Canaan, to find some random lady for Isaac to marry. Before the servant is sent, however, he must swear his mission to Abraham by placing his hand under Abraham's thigh. CREEP.

The servant stops by a well somewhere in Mesopotamia to essentially fish for a wife for Isaac. But really, he just prays for God to send him a lady that is predestined to be Isaac's wife. I was confused. See, in the first part of Genesis, it was stated that man was allowed to choose his own wife, but God picks them anyway. Awesome. So some guy comes to the well with some lady (Rebekah) and a whole bunch of sheep, and Abraham's servant drinks from Rebekah's pitcher, just like God said, and then Rebekah invites the servant into her house and we find out that the lady that is predestined to marry Isaac IS HIS COUSIN. WHAT IS WITH ALL THE INCEST.

The servant offers a dowry for Rebekah and her parents (some lady and Abraham's brother) accept, and give their blessing, which consists of this:
"...Be thou the mother of thousands of millions... (Genesis 24:60)."
Yay.

When Rebekah and the servant get back to Canaan, Isaac falls in love at first sight, and Rebekah veils herself before she meets her husband to be. OPPRESSION OF WOMEN, taken from the religion of Islam, which is the main religion of modern Mesopotamia, even though Christianity was supposedly created before Islam. Then Isaac grieves the death of his mother Sarah by getting laid.

In Genesis 25, Abraham finally dies at the age of 175, but not before he gives Isaac a big-ass inheritance and leaves his other children (born by concubines) out to dry. What a guy. Then Ishmael dies at the age of 137, and Isaac and his cousin make babies. Ew. Rebekah gets knocked up with twins, and God makes one twin the other's slave in the womb. WHAT.

When the twins, Esau and Jacob, are born, Esau is described as such:
"...Red all over like a hairy garment... (Genesis 25:25)."
WHAT.

Later, Jacob bribes Esau's birthright out of him with starvation. What a guy.

In Genesis 26, there is a famine. Big shock. Isaac is forced to move from Canaan with his wife Rebekah, and essentially becomes his father Abraham when he lies to the king of the land and says that Rebekah is his sister, not his wife. But God didn't punish this guy. Woah.

Isaac lives on the land of the random king until he builds up enough wealth to get him kicked out of the city because he's too powerful. Then he digged and builded a new city (direct grammar, by the way), and then Esau gets married to some Judith lady and Isaac and Rebekah get pissed.

Genesis 27 starts the story of Jacob. Rebekah and Isaac both favor different children, so parent provoked sibling rivalry ensues: hairy vs. smooth. Not kidding. Isaac is old, blind, and dying, so he tells Esau (his favorite) to go to the field and get some venison and he will earn a blessing. But Rebekah finds out and tells Jacob (her favorite) to slaughter a goat while Esau is out hunting and wear the skin on his hands and arms to trick Isaac into thinking he is Jacob. Isaac falls for it and gives Jacob Esau's blessing, which promises him the "fatness of Earth," among other things. Esau, on the other hand, gets screwed and becomes his brother's slave. Cool. This, of course, glorifies vengeance killing, but Rebekah saves Jacob from his evil brother.

Then, Rebekah worries about Jacob taking an unworthy wife.
"...If Jacob takes a wife of the daughters...of the land, what good shall my life do me (Genesis 27:46)?"
What a drama queen. Really.

In Genesis 28, Isaac tells Jacob that he has to marry his cousin. WHY. Then Esau finds out and marries his cousin too. WHY.

On his way to pick up his cousin-wife, Jacob falls asleep (or is knocked out by God) and has a dream about a ladder to Heaven which God and angels can use to get to Earth. Then Jacob wakes up from the dream, makes a pillar out of his stone pillows and pours oil on it. WHY. OH, I GET IT. IT'S GOD'S HOUSE. WHAT.

Jacob gets some action from his cousin(s) in Genesis 29. He first meets Rachel and falls in love at first sight with her, you know, because it's predestined and all. LAME. In order to get to marry Rachel, Jacob must work for her father for seven years, but when those seven years are up, the one offered is is Rachel's older sister, Leah, because in their culture, it's disrespectful not to offer the firstborn first. So then, Jacob decides that he'll have both sisters as his wives (ew), so he serves another seven years for Rachel (for real this time). When they finally get married, God sees that Jacob loves Rachel more than Leah, so he makes Rachel barren. HA.

Rachel freaks out on Jacob in Genesis 30. When she finds out the Leah can have kids and she can't, she tells Jacob,
"...Give me children, or else I die (Genesis 30:1)."
That is so like a woman. IF I CANNOT BEAR CHILDREN, I AM WORTHLESS AND MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING. Sexist bullshit.

After more "Handmaid's Tale" references and Random Dan, part two, there is more sibling rivalry between Rachel and Leah, who basically have a birthing contest.

Jacob finally gets sick of working for Rachel and Leah's dad, Laban, so he takes his pay (half of Laban's flocks) and breeds them so his are the better livestock. Then he builds a fence for the livestock AND MAKES WHITE PAINT APPEAR ON THE WOOD. HOW. Then, the animals magically conceive when the drink. HOW. I guess there really is something in the water?

In Genesis 31, Jacob finally leaves Laban's city, and he carries his cattle with him. No, that's not a typo. Jacob carries his cattle on a seven day journey. Then Laban finds him and accuses him of taking his daughters hostage, even though THEY ARE HIS WIVES AND THEY WENT ON THEIR OWN ACCORD. Because girls BELONG to their fathers.

Laban came looking for them because the idols of his god were stolen, which justifies iconoclasm. Laban forgave them and they built a mound of stones and ate off them. WHAT. Those rocks then ended up being a witness to some crazy pact between Laban and Jacob, in which Jacob promises not to take any more wives.

In Genesis 32, Jacob sets out to find his twin brother Esau, even though the tables have turned and Jacob is afraid of Esau. The number two appears in this chapter quite frequently, so I researched the number two, which in numerology means partnership. So there you go.

Then there are she-asses, and Jacob teaches us how to bribe our brothers with livestock. Suddenly, Jacob is wrestling with someone on the side of the road and the someone is touching his thighs. CREEP. Then whoever is wrestling with Jacob tells him that his name is now Israel, and I got very confused. Then I made this revelation (ha, no pun intended): IT IS GOD. WHAT. GOD IS WRESTLING WITH JACOB ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. WHY. Then it is said that Jews don't eat the hollows of thighs because God touched Jacob's, er, Israel's thigh during the fight. WHAT IS IT WITH THIGHS.

In Genesis 33, Jacob finds Esau and he bows to him seven times, and Esau "fell on his neck" trying to get to hug Jacob. Then Jacob offers him part of his herd, and Esau refuses, but Jacob is persistent ("TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE IT!"). Then Jacob and Esau leave together to a new land and erect an alter to God.

In Genesis 34, it's raping time. Leah's daughter, Dinah, gets raped by some Shechem guy, but he really loves her. Really. Honestly. He wants to marry Dinah but her brothers, Simeon and Levi, make an excuse for them not to get married: Shechem is uncircumcised. So Shechem goes all crazy and makes the whole damn town chop off their dick skin so he can marry the girl he raped. WHAT.

Three days after the mass circumcision, Simeon and Levi kill every man in the city so Shechem can't marry their sister, and they took their asses. How rude. Then Jacob gets all pissed and comes out with this gem:
"...Ye have troubled me to make me stink among the inhabitants of the land... (Genesis 34:30)."
Then Simeon and Levi justify their killing by calling their sister a harlot. BECAUSE IT WAS TOTES HER FAULT THAT SHE WAS RAPED. I love the logic here.

The End, thank God. I don't think I could deal with more this review.